Gifts From Your Mom

Sitting at a very cozy restaurant last night, I overheard the conversation of the exasperated woman seated on the bench next to me. It went something like this, “You know what she gave me for Christmas? Pink fuzzy socks with stars on the bottom. To ME! I would rather she didn’t give me anything. It’s like after 34 years she still doesn’t know me at all!” I couldn’t resist leaning over and introducing myself as a person who has had this exact conversation before and share in her frustration. Because nothing says “I have no idea who you are or what you want” like this 3-tiered organizer that I received. Eleni, I share your pain.

“When I was about fifteen, my mother had started dating a man named Bob Fallon, and my brother and I called him Bob Phallus, because he came equipped with exotic creams and sex toys. You know, aphrodisiacs. Well, actually, Anglo-disiacs, because we’re white. Anyway, thanks to Bob, that Christmas my mother bought both my grandmother and myself vibrators! As unusual as a gift like this sounds, you have to admit that they are ideal stocking stuffers.” - Carrie Fisher (aka Princess Leia) from her book Wishful Drinking

“This porcelain doll is named Ashley so naturally my Mom thought it would be a perfect gift for me. Too bad I was 26 at the time.” —Ashley

“Her way way of saying: ‘It’s not my fault you’re a fuck-up.’” - Kara

“No special occassion. Just another visit home, just a bottle of Old Smuggler whiskey leftover from a relative’s wedding… in 1985. Attached note read, ‘bottle lasted longer than the marriage.’

Disclaimer: this was actually a great gift. I loved it. It’s not the worst bottle of whiskey I’ve ever had.” - Mike

“If it’s the thought that counts, around Christmas one year my mom was thinking:

A) You need a boyfriend. B) You’re a bitch.”- Ashley

“My mom once bought me a red leather jacket from Nordstrom. She said she walked by the window like three times and it ‘spoke to her.’ It said your daughter should be cast in a remake of the “Thriller” video, apparently. Once, I felt bad for not using it, so took a gamble and wore it to work — where my IT guy came up behind me, using my shoulders as a keyboard and hollered, ‘DA DA! DA DA DA! Cos this is THRILLLERRR!’” -Kristy

“I don’t have a picture of my mother’s worst gift to me - a filled out profile on Spiritual Singles. O. M. G.” [Ed note: Hope you don’t mind we made an image for you.]

This photo was taken with an iPhone which is pretty much the same thing as this pocket-sized digital photo album but, like, with a phone and the internet in it.  File under: unnecessary gifts.